The Beauty Inside

I’m nearing fifty -one years old and with my I.P.F. there are days that I wish I could vanish into obscurity and just be invisible. For me it becomes increasingly hard to keep others happy and maintain my happiness. I know I am not responsible for other people’s happiness; however seeing them smile makes me smile. I never want to feel like a burden but I do. I never wanted to be like my mom but in many respects I am.

I wake up beginning my day at four forty five A.M. yes that early! You see it makes hubby happy that I am up and preparing his coffee, lunch, and waiting to braid his hair before he hits the road off to work. Then I keep busy binge watching Netflix or other programming. I walk on the treadmill can only do a half a mile at a max of 1.2 miles per hour with 5 liters of oxygen via nasal cannula. I might eat and then agian I might not depends on how the medication has affected my stomach. I work on doing one thing that makes me feel beautiful in my case that is make up just a little for day to day I never wore it before unless going out simply because its also a way to hide away as someone else almost like putting on a mask. I also felt I was beautiful when I was younger. It seems slowly as we age one by one our beauty is robbed from us. I never much worried about my beauty as my husband has loved me for a very long time and is blind to my aging or just chooses to see me as that young woman he fell in love with. I guess in some respects I am the same with him except when I’m around him I want to cuddle and listen to his heart beat like I did when we were younger and slept in a full size bed verses a king size bed.

I know I’m rambling I wish I could show the true beauty of aging but I’m no example as I am considered young. I spend my days trying to make sure the needs of the house hold are met and the people I interact with daily know they are loved. I don’t know my place in this world or what I should be doing, but I’m here trying everyday to fill the space around me with love and beauty.

My featured image is that of the beauty left behind after the fallen brown leaf is taken away. As with many of us if you strip us of our outside beauty there is beauty on the inside….

Dreams….

I often dream of having enough money to purchase a large enough plot of land to build houses for anyone in my family who would want to live there.  I would want common shared areas as a pool with a little pool house. A great hall with kitchen and enough seating for all. Land to plant a magnificent garden each year for fresh vegetables, fruit trees, fruit bearing bushes, and a herb garden.

I’ve always liked the idea of a close nit family it seems to escape people these days. When I was very young there were cousins, aunts, and uncles around all the time. Now it’s just the core family primarily for our family. Less and less contact with extended family. I guess it is considered normal at this point and time in this century. Losing that extended family and having less and less contact is part of what I see as a problem with our country.

I once was told that dreaming is the minds way of directing you to what the heart truly desires. To an extent I believe that to be true, however I feel like emotions and happenings throughout the day can effect the dreams we have while we sleep. I hope for all I love that their dreams at least some the good one can become a reality.

 

 

 

 

Not all days are out of this world…

I had plenty of adjusting in my lifetime always having a plan A, B, C, and so on. Plans don’t always come off as planned. In my life an example would be having my children young so that by the time I was forty my husband and I could do all the things we couldn’t while we were young. Then we never quite put ourselves financially in a position to be able to do the things we planned life happened to us. Do not misunderstand I’ve enjoyed many times with family and friends and made lemonade out of lemons.

When we are young we feel we are invincible. We do things that in hind sight we wonder why are we still here on earth?! I am so very lucky to be here I took risks in so many areas of my life it’s a wonder my guardian angel is still looking out for me. I won’t go into detail because my grandchildren may some day come cross these writings, but let’s say I’m forever grateful to all the powers that be that have kept me safe over the past fifty years.

I am at a point in my illness where I never know for sure if I will wake up when I fall asleep this makes it difficult to sleep. I manage about four hours of good sleep a night and then I doze throughout the day on the couch with my fur babies. I can not explain the amount of joy and unconditional love they bring me. Our good morning lovin’ where each one gets their one on one time giving me hugs, kisses and tail wags  is absolutely one of my favorite parts of my day. First Hawkeye while I’m making coffee for hubby and I. Hawkeye will stand up on my leg and I will bend down and get kisses galore. Then I’ll briefly pick him up for a hug and his little stub of a tail just wagging. Up next is Zeus he waits until I’m sitting he will stand up in front of me and I scratch his little head right between the ears pick him up and he gives a hug first and then one kiss on the end of my nose. He then lays right beside me on the love seat. Kissing last but not least she is her daddy’s girl I get lovin’ from her all day long as once daddy is out the door for work she is one hundred percent my little lady.

Some days for me it is just as simple as being. To just be here and able to chat with all my loved ones has to be enough because it’s all the energy I have that day. Other days I have energy like a woman who is going trough the nesting phase in her pregnancy. I have these little hobbies you know planting, writing, crocheting, sewing, but nothing brings me happiness more than helping someone which is kind of hard to do when you can’t hardly catch your breath moving from room to room even with oxygen.

Each day I have to look for the one thing I can cling to to bring me my happiness for that day and pray I get to do it all over again tomorrow. I am so very grateful for each and everyday I draw breath for all the small tails, loving kisses, and snuggles are worth it.

My own Dr. Zeus is my featured image. Every day the doctor is in!

 

Course of Nature

Like a fire that blackens the earth ….pain, hurt, and anger blacken the soul.

Then the rain falls and the sun shines a rebirth occurs a small green sprout from the ashes renewed life.

As with the earth the soul can become renewed with a hug, a kindness, and tender loving care.

Every day new comes from distruction simple gestures, a soft rain, and the healing process begins.

Weekend of beauty and friendship

This weekend I reconnected with a high school friend. We hadn’t seen each other in nearly thirty years yet at this station in our lives we have much in common with each other. We lost touch as I was a year ahead in school and I became a parent six and a half months after graduation and I was very focused on doing all I needed for my baby.

We spoke on so many different subjects to catch up for all the missed years. Our children and grandchildren their ages, and where they are now. Parents and sibling where they are and how they are doing. Then of course ourselves. It was amazing we have so many wonderful things in common but mostly trying to find that inner peace and place we can call ours in our homes. Just a space we know we can relax and clear our minds of the garbage from the day.

For me it’s difficult as there is a time coming where my day will consist of not much movement as to conserve energy and breath. I’m trying to learn how any where I am I can block out those around and find the quiet in my mind and flip through pictures of my plants and flowers I’ve grown over the last few years. Yes a beauty that before I became ill I was a brown thumb now I am a green thumb. So perhaps we lose one privilege to gain another. Before I had passion for nursing honestly I still do but I channel my energy into something I am more physically apt for.

There is beauty in friendship. I have had a few close friends over the years and sometimes we step back handle our lives and step forward and live, laugh and love. It was sweet to talk and laugh with my friend on Saturday always amazing to see and hear from long out of touch friends from the past. We have love of flowers in common as I do with many friends who are empty nesters almost….grown children living with you but won’t listen to you.  Alas always look for beauty in all things.

Beauty of being needed

There has never been a time as far back as I can remember where someone has not needed me. As a child it was my younger sibling we spent years needing each other and separation never mattered. We were each there for each other whenever if we were being hurt or bullied. Helped with homework, bath time, and even bed time when we were still afraid to turn off the light ourselves.

The beauty in being needed is that besides yourself you have a reason a desire to get up and start every day fresh. We all have good days and bad days well yesterday was a bad day so I stayed away from posting here on my blog and all social media. It was one of those days where I had a complete brain fog couldn’t remember things appropriately or in the order of occurrence I was crying it was just a bad day. Today is a better day. The beauty I found yesterday was my sons both took the time to help me realize I need to slow down perhaps put everything on a calendar as all our smart technology would allow me to do an hour by hour accounting of what promises I’ve made or people work schedules and so on. Even so I was out of sorts until I could reset my body and brain.

Today’s beauty is I feel wonderful at the moment and it’s Friday so I have the weekend ahead. The sun is shining and I haven’t a care in the world that is life changing. The sun is an amazing wonder as it changes moods and brings joy. Even though I’m tethered by oxygen tubing can’t travel without it. The beauty that today I woke up feeling emotionally better and feeling some what less stressed. The beauty that each day is a gift when surrounded by all those I love.

The image is my best Farrah Fawcett imitation and how I currently feel.

Beauty and patience….

This morning while enjoying coffee just relaxing staring out the window a little gold finch landed on my little sunflower I rescued from a discount food store. I never took the time before so now I try to plant seedling that will feed the wild life around me. It was exciting for me since it is not just coming to a feeder but actually enjoying a natural food. I see plenty of cardinals, blue jays, robins, and we even have a family of hawks every year. We live next to a wooded area and at night I hear owls although I’ve never seen one but I do listen to them talk to each other.

Patience comes in because you have to wait for spring and the growth process of the plants. While this plant looks like a little sunflower when I bought it the plant was not looking good so I came home and placed in the optimal place then three weeks later a bloom! I truly wasn’t sure if this plant would survive I worried over it and fed it a little plant food. The summer brings such beauty of flowers in bloom and wild life abound.

Time and patience the wait for beauty can make us frustrated especially when you are not sure of how much time you may have left. The beauty that comes when flowers begin to bloom and animals begin to have baby’s is special and an everyday occurrence one not mentioned often unless there is a rescue at least here in the city. I truly appreciate all the beauty in the simplest of nature.